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“Eye Surgery”
Season: 3
Episode: #4

Episode recap:

For people in such good shape, Nick and Jessica always seem to be eating! Another episode of Newlyweds opens with America’s favorite revamped version of Three’s Company (Nick, Jessica and CaCee) eating dinner at a restaurant, while discussing their ever-looming bad eyesight. In what seems like just an innocent conversation about “seeing halos,” the idea of eye surgery is, well, put on the table. CaCee does not seem to be a fan, and who can blame her when she puts it this way: “Nobody wants to screw up their eyeballs…you need to see with those.” Point taken, but Lasik appointments for her and Jess are made regardless.

First, Jess is going to Texas to visit her grandparents and to do a show for the troops. While hanging out with the fam, Jess’s mom gets a call from CaCee about the “Lynyrd Skynyrd drama” that’s taking place down at the concert. This sparks intrigue on who else is going to be performing with Jess. Whether it’s Jim Carey or Drew Carey, and whether Gary SinIse has legs or not is pondered by the Simpsons, but one thing’s for sure: Wayne Newton is definitely going to be there.

Back in sunny California, Nick and Drew are… you guessed it… eating! While having a “Maalox moment,” Nick and Drew decide that they are long overdue for a fishing trip. You know, fishing. Deep sea fishing. The two leave the restaurant and head to the pier where they board a fishing boat with “first mate” Kristin.

In the meantime, Jessica is in her assigned dressing room, which, apparently on its better days, doubles as an office with cubicles. Confused and in search of some sort of catering and hospitality, Jessica and her familial entourage find that there are only three bottles of water that were put aside for her from the hospitality room. Not entirely happy, Jessica shakes it off by listening to her guitarist warm up, when none other than Wayne Newton walks through the door, declaring “I’m taking Nick’s place!” Enjoying what he was hearing, Wayne decides the lack of drums just doesn’t cut it, and turns a printer into a makeshift bongo so he can play along. Jess’s kin look on in horror as Wayne leaves a big wet kiss on her cheek before departing the room.

But Jessica’s not the only one baiting something. Back on the fishing boat, Nick’s also got a catch. As Kristin and Drew cheer him on in reeling it in, Nick loses the fight between the fishing pole and the fish by letting it get away. Afterwards he calls Jess to remind her that she and CaCee have Lasik eye surgery appointments for the following day. With less than ten minutes to get ready for her performance, Jess notes Nick’s reminder, but instead of hurrying, takes her time in applying make up and getting changed. She takes so much time in fact, that Wayne Newton announces her not once, not twice, but three times to an anxiously awaiting crowd. She finally takes the stage, wowing the crowd with her ode to Nick, “With You.”

Returning home, CaCee and Jess have an impending engagement: eye surgery. Wearing glasses for the last time, the two express their worry to Nick while waiting for their limo to take them to their appointment. Nick assures them that the doctor won’t severely cut their eyes, but “gently laser them.” Not assured at all, the fearful pair take “one last look” at him before getting into their limo and driving off. While en route, CaCee is reading the Lasik pamphlet while Jessica is on the phone with her mom, telling her she may never see her again. Prepping for surgery, Jess and CaCee first take a little eye exam, then are given Valium to calm down, but that’s about the last thing it does. A super jittery Jessica takes a deep breath and goes for it anyway. The doctor gives her a stuffed pig named Squealer to hold on to during the surgery. As soon as the surgery is done, she sits up looks at the eye chart and gets “weirded out” that she can actually read it. Next it’s CaCee’s turn. Jess, wearing eye shields that make her look like a bug, holds CaCee’s hand through it. Before long, both are leading each other blindly through a parking lot wearing eye shields while on their way to get burgers. They can’t see anything, especially if there is light involved. They don’t even know what their waitress looks like because they can’t see her. Therefore they both agree that “it would suck to be blind.” Nothing but a few words of wisdom from our favorite intellectuals to end another episode of Newlyweds.

Extras

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